Honestly, I'm not even entirely sure what I'm about to write here, but I know that it is going to be a lot of raw emotions that may or may not make the final draft.
What I hope to accomplish with this post is mostly to explain why I've been so delayed in sending out orders, why I haven't been quick to respond to messages, and why I've been posting more personal pictures than business pictures on Instagram lately.
If you've been following me on Instagram even just for the last week or so, you know that I'm a divorced, single mom to three kids. Their dad visits every year for about a month. For some reason, this year it ended up triggering a lot of anxiety and depression, and after talking with a trusted friend in a support group, it seems that I may be suffering from PTSD as well. Looking back at posts I've made on Facebook over the last 3 years, I have seen that I've made comments about PTSD before, and certain events triggering it. I just never really thought I'd be someone who suffered from it.
Without going into much detail about my marriage, I can say with complete honesty that it was never a physically abusive relationship. Emotional and psychological, yes. But never physical. And, to be honest, I never really realized that there were different kinds of abuse a couple of years ago. I always associated "abuse" with "physical." That was it. As I've looked back on my relationship over the last few years of being separated/divorced, I can see the red flags and how the other two forms of abuse that I mentioned were definitely present, and as much as I hate to admit it, we were both guilty of it.
After our first was born, I ended up having severe postpartum depression. Ex worked crazy hours no thanks to the Army, and I was alone with an extremely high-needs, colicky baby while recovering from a very long labor, intense delivery with complications, and then postpartum depression. After 64 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing, we ended up doing a c-section because his head was too big. It has always been in the 95th percentile ;) I ended up hemorrhaging while they were stitching me up, and needed transfusions.
The postpartum depression was so bad, some days I would just lay in bed and cry while CJ napped or played, and had a really hard time connecting with my husband, emotionally and otherwise. I was so angry all of the time... I hated my life and I was mad at God for giving me such a difficult baby and making my husband work so much. I felt like a single mom because he was working 14+ hours a day, we'd only spend about an hour together before he fell asleep before his next shift. I resented him, and I resented our poor, innocent baby for being the way he was. Little did I know (and wouldn't find out until over three years later), he would end up with speech and developmental delays and Sensory Processing Disorder.
This is when things started really going downhill in our marriage, but instead of working to fix things, I shut down and Joey started spending more time with his friends. Eventually we kind of worked things out a little bit, and things were fine for awhile, but not great. After our second was born, he approached me again about not being happy and needing things to change. We fought and worked through things for awhile, and things got ok again. Until a few months later. I started praying the novena to Undoer of Knots without him knowing, begging for our marriage to get better. 4 days into it, he approached me about wanting a separation. My mom and some of my siblings were due to come visit about a month later, so the idea was that they would take the kids and I back with them and we'd stay with my family for awhile so that Joey and I could have some space and try to work things out through text, which is how I communicate best.
After several months of texting and things not getting better, I received the worst text I could possibly receive on the morning of my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving. "So, should we just get divorced?" Needless to say, Thanksgiving is now a trigger for me. Three years in a row, I've had anxiety attacks on Thanksgiving, spending most of the day sick to my stomach in bed, while everyone else is upstairs feasting and enjoying what used to be my absolute favorite holiday.
A year and a few months later, we were officially divorced. It wasn't what I wanted for my life at all. It wasn't even entirely what I wanted for our relationship, so I prayed the Undoer of Knots novena again, praying that despite being divorced, we could somehow work things out and get back together. Shortly after the novena ended, he texted me that he was moving on and didn't see us ever getting back together. He began dating someone shortly after.
Anyway, this has already ended up being longer than I expected, so to cut a long story short - between the relationship problems, divorce, our daughter becoming chronically sick, our son being diagnosed with disabilities and SPD, and my pre-existing depression, it has been an absolute rollercoaster of emotions these last few years and my mental health has been suffering greatly. It seems that the combination of all of these events and going through most of it alone has resulted in PTSD, and my anxiety has been pretty severe for the last month.
I'm looking into getting professional help, I have remedies and oils and supplements to help as well, and I'm just trying to enjoy each day and focus on the little things. Much of this last month has been spent literally just lying in bed with the lights off, completely paralyzed, while Joey took care of the kids. When I wasn't in bed, I was on the couch fighting through anxiety attacks while trying to take care of the kids or enjoy hanging out with Joey. Between barely surviving mentally, and also suffering from Influenza Type A for 8 days (and my son for 5, middle for 3, and youngest for 5 - all on different days), very little work has been done this month. Every time a customer would email asking about their order and I'd give a deadline, I'd end up having another anxiety attack about something or someone would get sick. I've been at the lowest point of my life since having postpartum depression 5 years ago, and it has really taken a toll on my business and getting orders out in a timely manner.
For that I apologize, and I am extremely thankful that everyone has been so patient thus far. Now that Joey has left, and everyone seems healthy at the moment, and my emotions are a little bit more under control right now, I am going to do my best to send out orders as quickly as I can. Please keep my family in your prayers. Pray that everyone stays healthy and happy, and that I can work quickly with little distraction so that I can send out orders as soon as possible. Thank you all again for your patience, and if you made it this far, God bless you ;) I've already edited out quite a bit to make this post shorter, and it is still a novel :)